Just A Position

I am your company's lone IT guy. I am your friend. In fact, I can be the best friend you have. I am generally a happy spirit. I'll laugh at your jokes and you don't even have to laugh at mine as I know they are rather corny at times. I'll fix what needs fixing in your world. If I am not in the midst of a major crisis or helping another colleague, I will drop whatever it is I am doing and help you with your problem. All I ask is one simple thing. Be honest with me. Don't lie about how your machine has reached the state it has. It is best to tell me up front so I know how to approach the problem. It is also best because I am going to find out anyway. And if I find out you are doing something that you know you are not supposed to do AND you lied to me about it, then you go on my shit list. Being on an IT person's shit list is something you DO NOT want to happen. Look, I realize that people need to have their super cute fuzzy bunny screen saver complete with malware loaded on their machines. I get it. But after you've been told of the dangers and that it creates work for me and you still do it? I have no sympathy for you when you lose data. And no, I do not do a company-wide backup of data every 5 minutes. You are shit out of luck.

So, you've surfed to a free pr0n site and now you're loaded down with trojans and spyware, making it virtually impossible to get any work done. Mother fucker, tell me where you've gone! I don't care for pr0n and it IS against company policy but I am not a fucking babysitter or the morality police. Unless your boss tells me to keep an eye on you, I couldn't care less that you go to those Japanese scat sites searching for pictures of young girls in sailor suits with their diarrhea exploding in the faces well-dressed Tokyo businessmen. But I know your boss does. Word to the wise (as if the wise would be looking at such fare) . . . it's generally not a good idea. What I care about is you fucking up your machine. And yes, I have this place button up tighter than Jerry Falwell's asshole. I have taken all of the precautions necessary to keep us all safe from viruses and all the other lovely surprises that can come off the internets and wreak havoc upon a corporate network. But there is one key ingredient to ensure that things don't go in the shitter for us . . . your paying attention to common sense, company policy and my advice. No LAN anywhere on God's green earth is 100% protected from the douche-baggery of the interweb evils.

I am not the tyrant you think I am. In fact, if you chose to listen to anything I said to you when you first started working here, you would know that you can get away with practically anything here as long as you tell me the truth! If you had listened, you would have heard me tell you how my philosophy on life is live and let live and that philosophy is practiced in my work life as well as my free time (such as it is) and home life. The ONLY time you'll get me snooping in your business is when your boss tells me to, and even then there has to be a good reason or I will refuse to do it OR you keep fucking with my job and making more work for me by being stupid.

Look, it's not that hard. Do your job. Have fun while doing it. Abide by the very few rules laid out before you.

Yup, I can be the best friend you have here. If you'll only let me.