Just Indifference

That's what I'm calling it and I don't care what anyone else thinks about that. Day after day, I find myself disappointed over the most inane crap anyone could ever imagine . . . yet it's not the imagination of anyone. It really happens and there isn't a damned thing I can do about it. Are my perceived negative reactions just a mask for my egomaniacism? Or am I such an anal-retentive perfectionist for whom there is no way to be completely satisfied with the acts, deeds and words of those around me. I could not say as I am not qualified. And even if I was, no one is able to be so completely objective about themselves that the truth of the inner workings of their mind will be brought out in the open for them to see it. It. Whatever 'it' is. The thing or 'things' that makes one 'go'. I have never been able to put my finger on that for me. I fear I am too manic of a person. Flittering about from emotion to emotion like a butterfly from flower to flower . . . or like a bee? There is not telling for or with me. I am too enigmatic even unto myself. No . . . I cannot lie to myself, no one can in the true sense of the word. But I may 'hide' the truth myself . . . leaving the wonder and confusion behind.

My life has been like this for as long as I can remember. A chaotic dance of information, luck and expertise. And misfortune . . . but not nearly as much as there could be. I suppose that is probably the case with most people. The question I have is . . . is everyone like me? Do they have the same thoughts as I do, yet deal with them on a different level? Or do they feign indifference to the negativity about them, allowing the incidents to pass them by without so much as a tarried thought? I am too busy in my mind to do this. And I wish I could. My life would probably not have as much chaos in it. Indifference to indifference then. A soothing prospect to a humbled soul that travels along much the same path as those neighboring his. He just wants to be in harmony with those . . . even if he does not agree with their path.